


Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

by maniclust



Series: Some Kind of Madness [1]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bathroom Sex, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Drug Use, Drunk Sex, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Language, F/M, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Guilt, House Party, Infidelity, Loss of Virginity, Lost Love, M/M, New Year's Eve, Oral Sex, POV First Person, Party, Public Blow Jobs, Remorse, Sexual Content, Shame, Sibling Incest, Sibling Rivalry, Songfic, This Time Around Era, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Underage Drinking, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 07:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15383694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust
Summary: Zac has always been jealous of Taylor even though he has never outwardly done anything wrong. When they both fall for the same girl something has to give.This story is set back in the This Time Around era and is from Taylor's POV. Each chapter features a song that inspired me while writing it. The songs don't necessarily jive with the time period of the plot. I just wanted to share my inspiration.





	1. Faster

**Author's Note:**

> Excerpt: "Both girls turned their attention to me when I walked into the room so I had to quickly mask my disappointment that in trying to help out Zac, I'd been cockblocked by Isaac."

["Make me a liar. One big disaster. You make my heart beat faster."](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyjQFdeFox8)

Upon coming off stage, my first priority was a bottle of water to quench my post-show thirst. The second was a shower because the show had been a hot one and I felt particularly disgusting. With the bottle of water held between my teeth, I dug through my bag for clean clothes, trying to blink away the sweat that was still dripping into my eyes. 

“Tay, you’re gonna wanna shower pretty quick,” Zac said as he shifted into the room with clean clothes gathered against his chest already. “Was tipped off that some girls were invited backstage tonight.”

At seventeen and fifteen, Zac and I were already used to the parade of girls that appeared backstage after shows more often than not. The crew was good at selecting ones that were attractive, but not overly slutty. There was a certain decorum that we tried to maintain in spite of the clear undertones of why they selected a few girls over others. 

“Brunettes?” I asked, plucking the bottle from between my teeth and finishing it off.

“Definitely brunettes.” 

We shared a sly smile before disappearing into the venue bathroom together. It was equipped with more than one shower which cut our clean up time in half. 

“You going to finally lose your virginity this tour?” I asked as I washed my hair. As best friends, brothers, and bandmates I was extremely close to Zac and neither one of us ever thought it odd to talk while showering. When there was only one shower it wasn’t at all unusual for him to sit on the sink for a conversation while I got clean and vice versa. 

“I hope so, but I want it to be right. Fuck, that makes me sound like a girl, but I don’t want it plastered all over the internet. The publicity with Marion was bad enough and I didn’t even get any.”

“You do sound like a girl, but I understand. Life is different for us. But, it will happen and you are going to love every short minute of it. After that, it will just be perfecting your skills.”

“Just because you’re a one-minute man doesn’t mean that I’m going to be,” Zac growled at me. Suddenly, I saw his hand snake into my shower cubicle but my reflexes weren’t quick enough to catch him before he turned the water all the way to cold. 

“ZACHARY!” I shrieked. Quickly, I fumbled with the dial to get some more warmth against my body before I froze to death. Okay, maybe freezing to death was a little exaggeration but that water was _cold_.

By the time I stepped out of the shower, Zac already had his boxers on and was pulling a brush through his long hair. Instead of wrapping my towel around myself right away, I rolled it up and swatted him against the ass with it just to hear him yelp. 

Once again, my reflexes weren’t quick enough and he was on me before I could get away. Of course, that was the moment that the door opened and the two girls we were waiting for stepped into the larger room outside of the bathroom. _Of course_. Thankfully, only our upper bodies were visible through the open door and they weren’t treated to an immediate view of my naked ass while Zac had me in a headlock.

“Um, hi?” Zac squeaked out, scrambling off me and giving a wave.

“You’re in your underwear,” I hissed as I shifted back into the room completely. 

“SHIT!”

Unceremoniously, he slammed the bathroom door and we heard loud giggles from the other side. 

I pushed myself off the floor and grabbed for a new towel to dry myself off. “Smooth, Zac. That was really, really smooth.”

“Hey, at least they didn’t see you half-naked,” he countered.

“No, just a few more inches and they would have seen me COMPLETELY naked.”

“Not like one of them won’t anyway,” he shot back.

I started to retaliate, but I knew better. Zac knew everything about me and he was aware that I had fallen into bed with more than one fan and even some of our mutual friends. Still, I could hear the slight venom in his voice that made me frown. Our eyes met for a second before I turned away from him to get dressed.

“Can you let me take my pick?” he asked, back to me as he also got dressed. 

I hadn’t gotten a good look at the girls, but from what I had seen they were both attractive. “Of course, just give me a signal. Go ahead and I will lag behind.”

He shot me an appreciative look before slipping out of the room. I took my time with getting dressed so that Zac had time to figure out which girl he wanted to focus on for the night. As close as Zac and I were, I knew that there were times that he was jealous of me. It wasn’t something that I could help. At least, in moments like these, I could do what I could to help him see that I was on his side.

After taking my time with drying my hair and patching up a few callouses that had broken open during the show, I emerged from the bathroom. Zac was sitting on the couch with the shorter of the two girls that were there while Isaac was leaning against the wall talking to the other. Isaac?! Both girls turned their attention to me when I walked into the room so I had to quickly mask my disappointment that in trying to help out Zac, I’d been cockblocked by Isaac.

I offered a quick smile to both of them before digging through my bag and pulling out a book. I had every intention of keeping my promise to Zac so I curled up on the couch away from everyone and buried my nose within the pages. 

“I had to read that book for my English class last semester.”

I nearly fell off the couch because I hadn’t seen her approach me. “Huh?”

“I had to read that book for my English class last semester. _Heart of Darkness_?” she repeated. When she smiled, her nose crinkled up a bit and I was instantly attracted to her, forgetting at the moment that Zac had seen her first. 

Waving the book in the air, I shook my head slightly. “I really am not sure if I like it, but once I start something I like to finish it. At the very least, it has given me a new catch phrase.”

“The horror! The horror!” 

We spoke at the same time causing us both to laugh and I moved my legs so that she could sit down. 

“I’m Natalie.”

“I’m Taylor, but something tells me you already knew that.”

The sound of her laughter drew another smile out of me as she made herself comfortable. My eyes flickered across the room where Zac met my eyes for a moment before the other girl approached him. Seeing him smile at her, I figured I was in the clear and gave Natalie my full attention.

She had me spellbound through the entire conversation. We started off discussing the Joseph Conrad book before moving on to the show and other music. Part of me felt like I had known her for years due to the ease of conversation. Unlike other girls I had met backstage, I wasn’t on a mission to get in her pants. Instead, I just wanted to get to know her more.

Every time she smiled at me it seemed as though my heart stuttered slightly. What was happening? I’d never had a girl affect me this way before. It felt foreign, but at the same time comfortable. Since it wasn't unpleasant, I just let it happen and I'm sure she picked up on the way I couldn't take my eyes off her.

“Bus call in 30 minutes. Start packing up.” 

A disappointed sigh left my lips when our tour manager came in to begin to corral everyone. “I can’t believe that much time has passed already.”

“My mom is going to kill me,” she whined, glancing at her watch and finally seeing what time it was. Her beautiful brown eyes tilted back up to meet mine and a pout formed on her lips. 

“I will write you a note excusing you from any punishment,” I teased. Holding out the book to her, I motioned to the inside cover. “Can you write your number in there for me? I’d love to talk to you again sometime.”

All too soon they were both gone. I was left with Natalie’s number and as the room emptied I realized that I hadn’t said a word to the other girl. 

“Did you get her number?” I asked Zac, having seen them huddled together just before they left.

“Yes,” he scowled.

“But that’s a good thing…”

“Except you fucking did it again. I asked you to let me have my pick and yet somehow she still ended up giving you her number and not me,” he spat. Grabbing his bag, he shuffled out of the room without another word.

Dumbfounded, I could only stare after him. 

“Taylor, bus call, NOW.”

Isaac had been set to find me and it was clear that he was tired and just wanted to get moving. Nodding, I quickly gathered my things and climbed onto the bus, clutching the book with Natalie’s number to my chest. 

“Where is Zac?” 

With a fling of his hand, Isaac motioned to the back of the bus. I threw my bag into my bunk before going to seek him out.

The moment he saw me he shook his head. “Don’t. I know you didn’t do it on purpose so just don’t.” 

“But…”

“I said, don’t. Can’t you ever just listen to me for once?” he snapped. 

“Can you at least tell me what happened?”

“It’s pretty cut and dry. She and I were hitting it off. Having a great conversation and she was even willing to give me her number. I got up to get a piece of paper for her to write it down and when I turn around she’s sitting next to you. The rest I think you know.”

My mouth set into a line and I sighed. He was really upset and a bit angry and there wasn’t much that I could do about it. I had only been sitting there reading. He didn’t want an apology from me, but there was one on the tip of my tongue.

“I’m sorry, I won’t call her,” I offered. “I will just let it be.”

“I said DON’T,” he shouted. “God, you… forget it.”

“I’m not going to call her.”

He held up the piece of paper he still had in his hand. “Well, you have to because I’m going to call her best friend and it’s going to be really fucking weird if Kate gets a call and Natalie doesn’t. So, just go back to your bunk with your book. I said I know you didn’t do anything wrong so just leave me alone.” 

Kate. So that was her name. And they were best friends. That definitely complicated things. If he had intentions of staying in touch with Kate, Natalie would be expecting the same. And honestly? I wanted the same. The way she had made me feel was addicting already and I didn’t want to have to let go of that. 

Zac shot me a look when I opened my mouth once more and I snapped it shut, finally retreating back to my bunk. 

Fuck.


	2. Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Zac," I whispered, suddenly feeling sick.

["I am in misery. There ain’t nobody who can comfort me."](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g6g2mvItp4)

New Year’s Eve in the Hanson family always meant a blow out party. Everyone in the family was invited, including our friends, and it was anything goes. It was our one pass a year where our parents turned a blind eye to our drinking once we were over the age of 16 and no one was driving. 

This year was going to be no exception and I was excited because Natalie’s parents had allowed her to make the trip.

Natalie still being in school as well as the completion of the tour that I had been on when we met meant that our relationship had progressed slowly since the day that we had met. But early on it had been very clear to me that I was rapidly falling in love with the beauty from Georgia. 

I had lost count of the many nights that we spent forgoing sleep to talk on the phone until the sun was coming up. At first, her parents had been completely against her growing closer to me and I honestly didn’t blame them. But, Natalie had been able to keep up with her grades and I had made the trip to Newnan to meet them personally to ease their fears.

Pam and James hadn’t been the ones that I was truly worried about when it came to making Natalie mine. That distinction belonged to Zac and Zac alone. Everyone else I could deal with. 

He had been quiet about the developments and my shrugging off the idea of inviting other girls backstage for the remainder of the tour. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, I got shrugged off, but as long as I didn’t bring up her name things were normal between us. 

As the months passed, he seemed to get better, but every time she flew out to see a show or attend an event as my date, it was a huge set back. It was like seeing her undid him and he wouldn’t talk to me for a week afterward. Sometimes more. It was so frustrating to me because he was my best friend. He was supposed to be supportive of me and he wasn’t. I was in love for the first time in my life and I couldn’t share that and my fears with the one I wanted to the most.

Tonight, she was going to be there, front and center, so I knew Zac and I were not going to be able to avoid the subject. It had been well over a year since that concert in Georgia and yet as I approached him it felt like no time at all had passed. “Hey, do you want to go with me to pick up Natalie and Kate from their hotel?”

His eyes examined me for a moment and I couldn’t read a single emotion behind them. It unnerved me to know Zac so well, but to also know that he could hide his true feelings from me easily. There was just a simple shake of his head no and I set my mouth into a deep frown.

“Well, I’m leaving to go get them, so if anyone asks where I am I’ll be back in about 40 minutes,” I responded, only to be met with another simple head nod.

I was already halfway to my car when his voice met me and I heard the crunch of his shoes on the gravel. “Taylor, wait!”

Thinking that he wanted to come with, I unlocked the car so that he could get in too, but when I turned he was right there. His growth spurt had pushed him up to nearly be the same height as me, but I was still startled to find his face so close to mine.

“Be careful,” he said softly.

“I haven’t had anything to drink yet. I’ll be fine.”

“That’s not what I meant. Be careful with her. You don’t want the same thing that she does,” he trailed off and I frowned again.

My frown deepened even more and anger rose up in me a bit. “How do you know what I want? You won’t let me talk about her. You had, what, a twenty minute conversation with the girl and think that I did some huge injustice to you when she came to talk to me instead,” I ranted out of nowhere. “Now every single time you see her it’s like the fucking apocalypse or some shit. She’s not just some other girl, you know. Oh, wait, you don’t know because you’re too busy being butthurt that she wanted me instead of you. It has been almost a year and a half, Zac. GET. OVER. IT.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he murmured, looking as though I had smacked him in the face. 

“What did you mean?”

“Just… forget about it. I just wanted you to be careful. I… she could hurt you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. I care about you, you know. I’m just trying to protect you.”

There was a guilt in his eyes that I couldn’t remember ever having seen before. That combined with his words confused me and before I could speak again, a car pulled up the drive and in the moment it took me to turn and see who it was, he was gone. 

****

By the time the girls and I had arrived back at the house, the party had been in full swing. Kate had ducked off to find Zac the moment we arrived and I was left wondering if she was aware of his proclivities toward Natalie. I knew from conversations with Nat that even though Zac and Kate gave off the impression that they were dating, they actually weren’t. Every time I had tried to find out more about their dynamic, she had changed the subject so I was in the dark. 

She fit in so well and it put me as much as ease as I could be after the run in with Zac. I had looked for him when we returned, but I hadn’t seen him at all. I caught a few glimpses of Kate as the night progressed, but he was never with her and that absence really bothered me.

Speaking of absences, Natalie had gone to get us beers and had been gone for nearly 40 minutes when her voice suddenly startled me and I jumped.

“Are you going to kiss me at midnight?”

I turned to find Natalie holding the two beers that she had gone to retrieve for us and smiled widely. The room was hot and there was a slight sheen of sweat on her skin that wasn’t unattractive at all. We had been dancing and I’m sure it was the same for me. It was impossible for me to not imagine what she would look like naked with that same sheen of sweat and I licked my lips as my arousal started to grow.

“Of course, I’m going to kiss you at midnight. And then I’m going to do so much more,” I purred against her ear. 

Her giggle and the way she bit her lower lip made me want to drag her away and take her right there. Our sex life had been passionate from the day that she gave me her virginity. She wasn’t afraid to try anything and she was always, always eager. 

“Oh, that reminds me,” she smirked. Reaching into her top, she pulled a small tin from her bra and held it up in front of my eyes. I watched as she opened it and pulled out a small white pill and placed it on her tongue before washing it down with alcohol.

“What was that?”

“My birth control.”

She said it so casually and the implications along with the way she looked at me made my knees weak. Cupping her face, I leaned down to capture her lips with my own in a searing kiss. Even over the music I could hear her moan as she granted my tongue access to her mouth. 

Fueled by alcohol and lust, I had her pinned against a wall near the bathroom in no time, not caring who would see us. She tasted like strawberry lip gloss, alcohol, and something that I couldn’t place. It seemed familiar in a weird way, but it didn’t come to mind immediately. Honestly, though, it didn’t matter. Especially not when her hand was cupping my rapidly hardening cock through my jeans. 

“Let’s go in the bathroom,” she hissed against my lip, sinking her teeth into it. The way she was tugging at my belt left me no question as to what she wanted and I nodded my head. 

The door slammed shut behind us, muffling the sound of the loud music and making the jingle of my belt and lowering of my zipper sound like they were amplified. “Oh fuck,” I cried out as she sunk to her knees in front of me. The first time she had ever gone down on me was sloppy, but if Nat was anything, she was a quick learner and now she knew exactly what I liked.

“Mmm, you taste so good,” she purred. I looked down to see her staring right up at me as hollowed her cheeks and took me in completely. 

She was good. She was very fucking good. Good enough that if she didn’t stop she was going to have me coming down her throat before we could take things any farther. “Nat… baby, Nat…” I panted, pulling at her shoulders to get her to stand. “I want you. Please.”

She was so petite that even though she was in heels, I was still much, much taller than her. To even out the distance and make it easier for both of us, I picked her up and set her down on the sink before kissing her again. Her tiny hand closed around my erection once more as we kissed and I had to grab her hand to stop her.

“Are you trying to make this over before it even begins?” 

“I just can’t help myself. It’s been so long. Please, Tay, don’t make me wait.”

I yanked her heels off and reached for the button on her jeans, grunting a bit in frustration. “Why the fuck did you wear jeans?” 

As I tugged at the fabric she purred in my ear. “Just because you are Taylor Hanson and I’d let you fuck me anywhere doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work for it.” 

“Because you’re my girlfriend I shouldn’t have to work this hard for it,” I countered. Her jeans were like a second skin and she was not helping me to get them off at all.

“Ooh, you called me girlfriend. That earns you some help.” 

She pushed my hands away and shoved her jeans down her legs all on her own. She was wearing a tiny, red lace thong that I wasn’t even sure qualified as being underwear any more than it was just a scrap of fabric. A scrap of fabric that was in my way. But not for long.

Once her thong was on the floor along with her jeans, her legs wrapped around my waist to pull me in close. I could feel heat radiating from her and the desperation kicked in.

A whimper of pain left her lips as I took my cock into my hand and guided it into her. “Are you okay?” I questioned, concerned.

“Yes, don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.”

With her legs tightening around my waist, I trusted her words and began to move against her. She was so wet that it made up for the fact that she was so petite and I was easily able to push inside of her completely. The friction alone was driving me insane. Combine that with the way she kept whimpering my name repeatedly and I knew that it wasn’t going to be long before she took me over the edge.

Nails digging into my skin, she relaxed enough to make it easier for us to move together and we fell into a rhythm that worked for both of us. My hands skimmed over her body, cupping her breasts through her shirt and kissing her deeply. 

I was so close. So on edge. So needy. I had been without her for a month and needed this. Anyone could have walked in at that moment and I wouldn’t have stopped. Anyone but Zac. So when the door flew open suddenly, I should have known who I would see standing there.

“Natalie Anne,” Kate’s voice hissed through the room. “You could have at least locked the door.”

“Katie, shut the door!” Natalie shrieked, but kept her legs locked tightly around me so that I couldn’t go anywhere. 

I was frozen. Still buried deep inside of my girlfriend, the only person that I could see in the room was Zac. I didn’t care that my bare ass was on display. I didn’t care who might walk in. I didn’t care about the argument that Natalie and Kate were seemingly getting into right then and there. All I cared about was the way his eyes met mine. 

“Zac,” I whispered, suddenly feeling sick. Sick that he’d caught us. Sick at that look in his eyes that I once again couldn’t place. 

When he turned and ran, I immediately pushed Natalie away from me and twisted my body to get away from her. I yanked my jeans up and ignored the shrill way she screamed my name as I left her there half naked with her best friend and ran after my own.

Slamming directly into Isaac, I felt the cool liquid of his beer pour down my front and gasped before looking around for Zac, ignoring the way he was apologizing. 

“Have you seen Zac? I need to find Zac NOW.”

“Jesus, Tay, calm down. He went outside.”

Darting around Ike, I pushed my way outside and immediately started to call out for Zac. I caught a glimpse of his long, blonde hair as he went into the pool house and I sighed, knowing where he was going.

When I found him sitting on the floor of the control room in our home studio I dropped down to my knees in front of him. 

“Zac, I’m sorry,” I said immediately, not knowing what I was apologizing for, but I felt like I needed to.

“Get away from me.”

“Zac, please, talk to me. _Please_.”

“I said get away from me!” he screamed and shoved me, causing me to fall backward and hit my head on the floor with a yelp of pain. Black spots appeared in front of my vision and I felt instantly dizzy, not moving. 

When he appeared over me and apologizing profusely, I shoved at his chest half-heartedly. I didn’t protest, though, when he moved my head into his lap and checked to make sure that I wasn’t bleeding. 

“I’m sorry, Tay. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to shove you that hard. I just… I don’t want you to be around me. I don’t deserve to have you be around me.”

My head was still spinning so his words were jumbled in my head as I tried to catch my bearings. I turned to press my face against his stomach, holding onto his shirt and trying to pull myself up, but the pain was there still. The hard hit combined with my fear of upsetting Zac and the alcohol coursing through my blood left me nauseated. 

“I think I might be sick,” I groaned, inhaling sharply, and dry heaving just a little bit. Zac didn’t pull away from me though and only held me closer, pushing my hair from my face. 

“It’s okay, you’re not going to get sick. You aren’t bleeding. Just calm down and it will be okay. I’m sorry.”

Another groan and I pushed closer to his comfort. My nose inched beneath the bottom of his shirt in my movements to press against his bare skin and the light hair there tickled me. I might have laughed if my nostrils weren’t suddenly filled with a familiar scent that made my body go rigid. 

I pushed his shirt up further and saw the way some of the hair on his stomach was slightly matted down and when my eyes dropped down, I saw the darkness on his jeans. Swiping my finger over the spot right over his zipper, I brought it to my lips for confirmation and when I had it, I scrambled away from him quickly.

“Tay,” he said weakly, meeting my eyes as he slumped back. That look was there again and I knew what it was immediately. Guilt. Remorse. Shame.

“What did you do?” I asked, my voice betraying me and not very loud at all.

“Tay, please, I didn’t want to…”

“You have strawberry lip gloss on your skin and jeans. WHAT DID YOU DO?” 

His head dropped down and I watched tears stream down his cheeks. “I’ve been sleeping with Natalie,” he confessed. “I tried to break it off with her tonight. I didn’t want to hurt you. I told her she needed to end things with you and never come back. That it had gone too far. But she…”

“You fucked her?” I asked softly, the bile rising up in my throat. “You’ve been… you fucked her tonight?”

His head bowed and he nodded. Suddenly, the realization hit me of exactly what had been going on. Exactly what I had tasted on her lips when she had returned after disappearing. Why she was sore when I entered her. 

“You fucking stay away from me. Don’t you dare come near me,” I gasped, overwhelmed with the feeling of betrayal. 

I didn’t stick around as he called out my name. Nothing that Zac or Natalie could say could make anything better at all. Once I was out in the yard, I grasped onto the nearest tree and emptied my stomach into the grass. In one fell swoop, I’d lost the girl I was in love with and my best friend. But, as I fell to my knees and dry heaved I wondered if I had ever really had either of them.


	3. Cocaine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: I blinked a few times and tried to focus and sure enough, Zac was right there staring, watching me get a blow job from a random guy at a party.

[”If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine. “](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3L4spg8vyo)

My body slumped down onto the couch and I had no idea what time it was. I also didn’t have any idea how many beers I had consumed, but I knew that I was feeling good. The music of the party was pumping around me and there was a couple making out right beside me and all I did was smile and give them a thumbs up.

The guy to the left of me pressed his lips against my ear and licked the lobe, making me moan. “You need a little pick me up, gorgeous?” he asked.

I merely nodded, opening my eyes to look at him. It had been two months since my personal life had fallen apart and now, right before my eyes, so was my career.

Even before everything had exploded with Natalie and Zac, things hadn’t been going well in the studio. The constant fights with the record company had meant that music was no longer an escape. It was another added stress that meant I had no break. No escape. Add to that the fact that Zac and I were only speaking on a professional level and there were times when I had considered walking away from it all. But, instead of walking away, I numbed the pain the only way that I knew how.

The white powdered burned when I inhaled it and I gasped at the sudden rush, melting back into the couch and closing my eyes to the feeling. I was so lost in the euphoria that I easily parted my lips when the guy kissed me.

I finally opened my eyes when he abandoned my lips to move on to my cock. Once again, I just allowed him to undo my jeans and expose me to the entire room before he took me into his throat. It felt too good to care about anything, even the fact that Zac was standing there and staring at me.

Wait.

I blinked a few times and tried to focus and sure enough, Zac was right there staring, watching me get a blow job from a random guy at a party.

“You want to fuck him too when I’m done with him?” I slurred, grinning at my younger brother as though I was the most hilarious man in the room.

Stoically, he just stood there for a moment longer and when the guy released my cock for a breath, Zac grabbed him by the hair and yanked him away and threw him off the couch. He still hadn’t said a word when he yanked me up off the couch, my pants still undone and cock half hanging out as he drug me across the room and out the back door of the house.

“A bunch of fans just walked in the front door,” he finally spoke. Unceremoniously, he grabbed my dick and tucked it back into my pants, zipping them back up and grabbing me by the arm once more to lead me to the driveway. “I really don’t think you want photos of you coked out and getting your dick sucked by a guy to end up on the internet.”

The house we were staying at was a few blocks away and it was clear that Zac had intentions for us to walk back.

“The car?”

“I’m drunk. We will get it tomorrow. _You_ aren’t in any condition to drive either.”

He was still holding on to me and even though he was better off than I was, it was clear that he had a little stumble in his step which made me giggle in my euphoric state.

“You are drunk. I’ve never seen you drunk before,” I pointed out.

“If you would pay any attention to me lately you would have seen it a lot. Can we please just keep walking before someone sees us?” His tone was short, clipped, and it made me frown.

I leaned on him for balance and gripped his shirt in my fist as we walked. “I tasted your come.”

The sentence made him pause a bit before he continued leading us back to the house.

“On her tongue. I tasted it there. More than once. I think… I liked it. I had no idea what it was, but I always sought it out. So, I guess that technically means that I’ve sucked your dick.” For some reason the thought of that made me burst out into laughter and I held onto him tighter.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because it’s hilarious. I fell in love with a woman that made me suck my brother’s dick by association. That’s just my luck, you know?”

“I fell in love with her too,” he admitted softly. “And you’re not the only one that ended up sucking their brother’s dick by association.”

We were both drunk enough that when I started to laugh again, it didn’t take long for Zac to join in. I could smell the marijuana on him and knew that neither one of us were in our right minds.

“How fucked up are our lives?” I asked him as we reached the house. I leaned against the door while waiting for him to unlock it and once he did, I grabbed onto him again. Falling into the house together when the door opened, I tripped and we both ended up on the ground in a pile of limbs and laughter.

“Oh my god, that’s going to hurt in the morning,” he groaned, giggling in between his words.

“You’re so high,” I accused, trying to keep a straight face before I burst into laughter again. “So am I!”

The walk home had done nothing to subdue my erection. I knew from experience with the drugs that until I came it would be there. So, when I rolled over to try to push myself up and it brushed against Zac, I couldn’t control the moan that left my lips.

“Tay,” he whispered. I couldn’t see him because the house was dark, Isaac still out for the night and no one had thought to leave a light on when we left.

I curled into his body in response and pressed my face against his shirt, inhaling deeply. It reminded me of the last time I had been this close to him, though this time I didn’t smell any remnants of Natalie. It was all Zac. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. I hate myself every day for losing my best friend over a girl.”

“Don’t hate yourself. You were in love. We were both in love.”

I felt his fingers brushing through my hair and I pressed closer to him. The coke hadn’t started to wear off at all yet so all of my nerve endings felt like they were on fire. I wanted someone, anyone to touch me. “I… think I liked it too,” he said, his voice very close to my ear.

“Liked what?”

“The taste of you on her tongue.”

In my aroused state, the thought of that made me moan against his chest. I was suddenly even more aware of how warm he was. How muscular he had turned out. Strands of his long hair tickled at my cheeks and I turned my head without a thought or question.

Our mouths met in a sudden clash of dominance. He kissed me roughly and I fell back in submission. Hands groping and tongues battling. I needed to get off and I didn’t care how wrong this was. It felt too good to be wrong. I gripped his erection through his jeans and gasped, breaking the kiss.

“Fuck, Zac… no wonder she was sore. What the hell do you have in there?”

“Why don’t you find out?”

Neither one of us were in our right minds and that was evidenced by the way my hands started to tear at his jeans to get them open. I had every intention of sucking him off right then and there in the darkness, but the doorbell rang and we both screamed.

“The world wants me to have blue balls,” I groaned. Lifting myself off the floor, I left Zac laying there and threw the door open to see who was interrupting us, hitting myself in the face with it in the process. My hands flew up to my mouth and I gasped at the taste of blood, knowing that I had injured myself.

“Shit,” I heard Zac say, scrambling to get to his feet at the sound of the door hitting me. Without even caring who was on the other side, he cupped my face and tilted my head back so that he could see how badly I was injured.

“It looks like the two of you have kissed and made up just fine.”  
Natalie.

My body froze when she said the word kiss and I realized exactly what she could have walked in on. She already held secrets of the depravity of the Hanson family. If she had agreed to leave and never come back, I had promised to not tell anyone why we broke up. Only the three of us, and Kate I had suspicions, knew exactly what had happened.

“What are you doing here? How did you know?” I mumbled, my reflexes betraying me as I fell into Zac more instead of pulling away from him.

“Isaac. I told him that I really needed to see you. He said you’ve been really fucked up since we broke up and was all too eager to help us fix things,” she explained, shutting the door behind her.  
Zac snarled and pulled me back away from her as she moved closer. “No one is going to be fixing anything.”

I shifted behind my brother and wrapped my arms around his strong waist because I didn’t trust myself. Not when I was as fucked up as I was in that moment.

“Since when are you his protector? You were right there with me, Zachary,” she purred and I felt him stiffen. I couldn’t see her any longer, but I knew she had touched him. “You practically begged to fuck me. You’re practically begging for it right now.”

“Don’t,” he growled through gritted teeth and I tightened my arms around him more.

“Leave us be. Why are you even here?” I finally squeaked out.

Her hands covered mine and she pushed them down to where the button on Zac’s pants was already open. “I’ve been hearing about these parties that you’ve both been attending. I don’t think your fans would take kindly to knowing you’re too busy doing drugs and fucking anything that walks to make new music.”

Zac roughly shoved my hands away and I saw him reach out and grab her violently, causing her to cry out. “What do you want, you stupid bitch? Kate told me what you’re all about.”

“Stop, you’re hurting me,” she whimpered.

“Am I? I’m hurting you?” he hissed. I was helpless as I stood and watched the way he pinned her against the door. “The moment the two of you got invited backstage, you had a plan. She told me about how you said you’d get one of us in the end. Did you ever stop to think that we are real people? Did you?”

He shook her and I saw that there were tears streaming down her face and I knew that he had to be leaving bruises on her skin with the way he was holding on to her so tightly. Even as she begged him to stop, he continued to lay into her. Explaining that while she only saw us as members of a band that could give her status, we were real human beings. Human beings that she had fucked with, manipulated, and ruined.

“Zac, please, I love you. You’re hurting me,” she cried out and tried to wiggle out of his grasp, in the meantime pressing her body against him.

Frozen where I stood, I watched as she appealed to him on an emotional level and I watched her begin to break down his anger and defenses. It was then that I understood exactly how she’d convinced him to hurt me.

“You hurt ME,” he shouted at her, but his grip was loosening. “You hurt us BOTH.”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you both. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just… I love you both so much and it hurt to think about having to choose,” she pleaded. “You are both so different and I wanted it all. I was greedy. My goal all along had been to sleep with Taylor, but I didn’t expect you to be so beautiful, Zac. You deserved to be loved too.”

Checkmate.

My body crumpled to the floor as I heard her say that her goal with me had been sex and that she loved us both. The drugs were no longer doing anything to mask the pain. Tonight was the first night that Zac and I had made strides toward being okay again and she ripped it away again in a heartbeat. I had my eyes closed tightly and when I reopened them, I saw her on her knees in front of him, sucking his cock while staring directly at me. The same position I had fully intended on being in before she’d interrupted us.

“Tay,” he moaned out and my body went rigid. Hearing that moan of ecstasy from his lips coupled with the fact that it was my name send a shiver down my entire spine. “Tay, please. Don’t hate me.”

His head was leaned against the wall, a look of pure pleasure on his face that I understood. I knew how good she was and exactly the way she was making him feel.

“I can’t watch you do this,” I whispered. I had to walk right beside them to get to the stairs and up to my room, so it shouldn’t have surprised me when he grabbed hold of my arm. He pushed her away and held onto me.

“I’m sorry. She had her hands on me and she was… you heard her.”

I looked deeply into his eyes and tried to ignore the way I could hear her panting on her knees in front of both of us. “I don’t want to lose my best friend, Zac. You are more important to me than any slut is,” I responded. “If you want her, you can have her. I won’t get in your way. I just want you to realize that you could do better.”

“But…” Natalie spoke from the floor.

“SHUT UP.” We both yelled at her in unison.

Zac and I stared at each other for a long moment and I shook my head slightly. This wasn’t a conversation to have in front of her. Not by a long shot. His eyes glazed over and I didn’t have to look down to know that she had taken being yelled at as a signal to continue what she had started.

What I didn’t expect was that moments later, her hands would be on my jeans the same as they had done to his and before I could step backward, she had my cock in her mouth.

“What the…” I gasped out and fell against Zac a bit. That damn erection was still there and she had taken it as an invitation. I suddenly hated myself for taking that coke and allowing myself to get in this position.

With both of us exposed and right in front of her, Natalie took the opportunity to pull us closer, pressing our cocks together and swiping her tongue against us both at the same time. I cried out loudly, both from the feeling of his cock against mine and the way her tongue pressed against me.

“You can both have me,” she whispered, jerking the both of us with one of her small hands.

“No,” I said half-heartedly and attempted to push her away, but I was too drugged up. Too far gone. “No, stop. Stop.”

Stop wasn’t in Natalie’s vocabulary.

*****

When I blinked my eyes open, I could feel skin against mine. Bare skin. What had happened? My head felt heavy and I tried to lift it, but I needed to shake away some of the darkness swirling in my head before I could.

“Zac?” I groaned, my voice hoarse and he was leaned right there over me.

“Tay, I’m right here. Are you okay?” he asked, voice dripping with concern.

Was I okay? I wasn’t sure. My head still felt really heavy and something wasn’t right. I shifted my legs and realized that I was definitely naked. A few more blinks of my eyes and I was able to finally focus.

I was naked. Zac was naked. And we were in bed together.

Nausea suddenly clouded my vision and I scrambled to get out of the bed. Zac seemed to know exactly what was happening because I felt his strong arms wrap around me and help me to the bathroom.

Bent over the toilet, I completely emptied my stomach unceremoniously. Zac was right there the entire time, holding my hair out of my face and whispering soothing words.

When I was finished, he helped me to rinse my mouth out with water and then mouthwash, flushing the toilet for me. A cool wash cloth wiped over my face and I felt his lips press against my shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Tay. You’re still coming down from the drugs. Just breathe.”

His skin seemed cool in contrast to the way that I was burning up and I pressed closer to him. Flashes of the night before were coming back to me and I suddenly went rigid. “Where is she? Is she still here?”

“No,” he said softly, shaking his head. “She’s gone. She was gone when I woke up.”

“Was it a dream?” I asked, hoarsely.

He was silent for a moment and then I felt him sigh. “No, it wasn’t a dream. Come on. Let’s get you into the shower.”

Every part of my body ached, but most of all I felt like my heart was in a million pieces. She had played us all over again and reopened the wounds that had just been starting to heal.

As Zac helped me into the shower and turned on the water, I stayed slumped against him. I knew that he had to be hurting just as much as I was, but I couldn’t do anything but let him take care of me. I was the older brother and I should have been taking care of him, but that wasn’t the case.

I didn’t say a word as he washed my hair and body for me. After last night, his touch didn’t feel too intimate. Not after what we had done.

When he ran the water for the bath and kept it cool, letting me sink down into it so that I could relax, he touched my face. “I’m going to go and get you a glass of water. Just stay here okay? Don’t try to move. Just relax.”

I nodded and watched as he walked out of the room. The sight of his naked body retreating brought back even more memories. I had watched him fuck Natalie. I had kissed him while he fucked Natalie. And then I had fucked her too while he watched.

I had a threesome with my little brother and my ex-girlfriend that had cheated on me with that same little brother.

Suddenly, the nausea was back and I found myself dry heaving over the side of the tub. There was nothing left to throw up. My stomach was empty. I barely registered Zac coming back into the room before I blacked out again and just gave into the darkness.


	4. Sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: “Tay…” Zac said softly again, though it was obvious he couldn’t get any other words out.

[I will ask no questions while I do my thing in the background, but all the time, I'll know.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxMUzv5erBc)

“Where the hell have you been?” Isaac asked as I walked into the studio. I hadn’t seen either of my brothers in a few days, having disappeared one night after dinner without explanation.

Zac stood up and immediately started shouting. “What? you don’t answer your damn phone anymore? Jesus Christ, Taylor, you can’t just disappear like that!”

“We called mom and dad,” Isaac chimed in, a clear sneer in his voice.

Sitting down, I dropped my head into my hands and spoke very softly. “I was with mom and dad.”

Zac dropped down onto his knees in front of me and got into my sight line, causing me to just turn my head away from him. He was still shouting at me, but I was tuning him out. I didn’t need to be yelled at any more than I already had been.

“We need to take a studio break for a couple of weeks,” I said softly.

“What?! We are finally making some progress and you want to take a break? You’ve been gone for three days. I think that’s enough of a break. We are under the gun here, Tay!” Isaac was the one raising his voice now.

Shaking my head, I reached into my back pocket and tossed an intricately folded piece of paper on the table in front of him. I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes as they took turns looking at it. The room was so quiet that I could hear the sound of the clock ticking from the other room. 

“Taylor,” Zac squeaked softly and I could hear how upset he was in his voice. I didn’t want to open my eyes to look at him, but I did. The two of us just stared at one another as Isaac took his turn reading.

“You’re getting _married_?! IN LESS THAN A WEEK?” my older brother shrieked.

I simply nodded my head and looked at both of them. “It was all already planned for me. I got a phone call after dinner a few nights ago and it was Natalie. She said she needed to see me, immediately. When I arrived at the hotel she was there with her parents as well as ours.”

“Tay…” Zac said softly again, though it was obvious he couldn’t get any other words out.

“I was told that we were going to be married on June 8th and that invitations were ready to go out. I don’t have a choice. It’s the right thing to do and so I was given a day to go and get a ring and properly propose to her,” I explained.

“This doesn’t make any fucking sense,” Isaac said, clearly exasperated.

“She’s pregnant.”

Once again completely silence. Neither one of them had anything to say. Isaac let my words sink in and then stood up, walking out of the room and leaving Zac and me there alone. He slammed the door behind him so hard that it didn’t properly latch in the frame and instead began to lightly creek back and forth in the wind. I stared at the door for a moment before turning my attention back to Zac, unmoving.

He was still on his knees in front of me, though he had slumped against the table, just staring at me incredulously. Reaching out, I carefully brushed my fingers through his hair and he flinched away from me which hurt more than the pain in his eyes did. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I wanted to answer your calls, but they had my phone. Everything had to be fully arranged and Mom and Dad are pissed. They are disappointed and I didn’t have a choice. I don’t have a choice.”

He blinked his eyes and I could see tears in them when he looked up at me again before vocalizing the thought that had been on my mind since the moment I found out. “What if the baby is mine?”

I swallowed and cupped his face in my hands. “I don’t know, Zac. I don’t know. I asked her that and she said she doesn’t know either. But she’s scared and I’m scared. I had to do the right thing. For you. For us. I … I couldn’t let them know that it might not be mine. I can’t let them turn their anger toward you too, baby.”

He crawled closer to me and pressed his face against my thigh as he let everything sink in. By the end of the year, one of us was going to be a father and quite possibly both of us. 

“You’re getting married,” he choked out and I felt his tears soaking into the fabric of my jeans. I had cried alone in the shower so many times since I found out that there weren’t any tears left for me, but I knew that his were just getting started. 

“I need you to be there, Zac. I need you to be with me through all of this. I’m fucking scared. I know that you are too, but please. I need you.”

I was asking a lot of him. He was still only 16 years old and he had just found out that he might be a father. And here I was asking him to be strong for me. I felt selfish. So incredibly selfish and I hated myself. For allowing us to get into this situation. For not protecting him better.

“I can’t lose you,” he finally whispered, peering up at me once more.

“You’re not going to lose me, Zachary. You are never going to lose me. Nothing is going to take me away from you,” I promised, leaning down to press my lips against his. It wasn’t a sexual gesture at all. It was merely to show him that I loved him, and I did. 

In the months that had passed since our encounter with Natalie, neither one of us had maintained contact with her. After I had woken up that morning, he had taken care of me in the shower, we had made a pact with one another. That no woman was worth tearing us apart and we weren’t going to let her come between us. 

We’d grown closer after that moment. In part because of knowing what the other one was going through and also in part thanks to the physical relationship that we had developed. It wasn’t something that had ever grown into full-blown sex. But, I had lost count of the nights where we’d brought each other off with hand jobs and long make-out sessions. It was our way of coping. Of getting back to where we had been before Natalie had walked into our lives and beyond to where we were now.

“How is it going to work?” he asked, softly. “You’re going to move out. You’re going… you’re going to have to live with her. You’re going to have a baby.”

I sighed softly and cleared my throat. “I know, but if it means protecting you, I’m willing to do it. I love you so much, Zac. The thought of our family finding out what happened and looking at you the way they are looking at me… I couldn’t bear it. I just couldn’t. And if it turns out the baby is yours, well, we will deal with that when it comes.”

A thoughtful look crossed over his face and I watched him. “I love you too, Tay. You’re going to be a good father.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. I am probably going to be a horrible father. I don’t know anything about being a husband or a father.”

“You know more than you think. You take care of me. You always have.”

“But, you’re not a baby, Zac.”

“No, but you love me and that means you would do anything for me. You will love this baby. We all will. Even mom and dad. I just… I just wish that you didn’t have to get married,” he said softly. “That you weren’t going to be tied to her for life.”

Zac blew me away sometimes. He was so wise beyond his years when he needed to be. Between the two of us, he was being more adult than I was about the entire situation. How could I possibly be a father when he was more mature than I was? 

“Believe me, I don’t want to be married either. I mean… my life is essentially over as I know it.”

“It isn’t over. It’s just going to be different. We’re going to get through this,” he said, his voice sounding stronger. Standing up, he brushed his tears away and straightened up fully, as though he was trying to look the part of being a man. “We’re going to get through this bump and we are going to make this album and… you’re going to raise a child. I’m going to be there. You aren’t doing this alone.”

It was like I was watching him change right there before my eyes and that worried me. I’d spent days dealing with this. Days grieving over the mistakes that I had made. Zac wasn’t doing that. Zac was facing it head-on. 

“It’s okay to be upset about it,” I said softly, reaching out for his hand. He allowed me to take it, but he didn’t change his demeanor at all.

“No, it’s not okay to be upset about it because if I let myself think about why I should be upset it’s not going to do either of us any good,” he replied. “So, I’m just going to go and take a small bit of time alone and then… well, then we need to find Isaac and work on some music because it will be a good distraction for all of us.”

A frown set on my face when he let go of my hand and gathered up his notebook so that he could leave the studio. It wasn’t fair for him to be dealing with this at 16. Even though we had been equal participants in everything that happened, I still felt responsible. 

“I have my phone back, so if you need anything call me. Please.”

He paused at the door and spoke without looking at me. “Can you just promise me something? And make Natalie promise too?”

“Of course, anything.”

“I don’t want to know,” he said, his voice breaking slightly. “The baby is yours and I don’t want to talk about or think about any other possibilities. You are going to need to love the baby like you are the father and I am the uncle, so, it’s just best not to know the truth.” 

My instinct was to protest, but as my mouth opened he pushed through the door and was gone. I fell back onto the couch with a woosh of breath escaping my lungs and tried to calm the ache that I suddenly felt. It wasn’t right. Zac had said all the words I had wanted to hear, but I didn’t believe them. I believed that he was going to be there for me, but I knew that things between us had once again changed forever. There was no undoing things this time. No going back.

Curling into a ball, I turned to face the backside of the couch and closed my eyes, willing it all to just be a bad dream that I needed to wake up from. But, every time I closed my eyes I could only see that far away, sad look that had been in Zac’s eyes when he left, and I couldn’t make it go away.


	5. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: “Forget pictures. Come take your bride. I’ve been waiting for you.”

[”And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end.”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5Zm-kJg5Yg)

Tapping my fingers against my thigh, I leaned back on the couch and waited for Zac to come upstairs. It had taken some convincing, but Zac had agreed to move in with Natalie and me. We had told the family that it would be nice to have built-in help for the baby and no one seemed to question it. We had always been close and it was expected that with Ike already out of the house, Zac wouldn't want to be left behind as I also moved out. 

After he had left me alone in the studio the night he had found out, I knew that I couldn't do it alone. Being left there had hurt too much and left me feeling so lost. I needed Zac. I needed everything that he brought to my life and could give me. His love. So, I had begged him to be with me. To be with us.

At first, the thought of living with us as a married couple had been too much for him. He adamantly denied that it would be a good idea and I honestly couldn't blame him. The three of us living under one roof with a baby. A baby that could be mine or could be his. Eventually, I had been able to wear him down and the three of us had found a house that suited all of our needs. Zac had set up his own little apartment in the finished basement and the fact that it had a separate entrance around the back of the house was ideal. He could come and go as he pleased, but most of the time was spent in the main house with us. 

"Zac!" I called out through the house, hoping that he could hear me in the basement. 

"We are going to be late and we cannot be late for this, let's GO!"

"Just a minute!" he shouted, his voice muffled by the floor separating us and I sighed. 

The sound of shuffling in the kitchen got my attention and I stood up, ready to huff at Zac for taking so long when we had somewhere to be. Instead, I stood there speechless as the white lace and veil came into view. 

I'd never been an overly sentimental guy, but everyone had told me that seeing Natalie in a wedding dress would be life-changing. Just the thought made me roll my eyes. Yes, getting married was a big thing, but it should never be about a dress. Of course, it shouldn't be about the baby in your wife's stomach either, but you have to go with the cards that you are dealt.

I had firmly told her that she should pick whatever dress made her feel good because it honestly wouldn't matter to me in the slightest. When she had gushed to me that I would love the detailing of it, the sleeves, and the gothic style I'd just nodded and smiled at her. What else could I say? I honestly, truly, really didn't care one bit. 

However, right then I was ready to change my mind about how life-changing a wedding dress could feel. My mouth dropped open and I spluttered a little bit, trying to find words, but I couldn't. My eyes took in the entire sight before me and then fell upon the beautiful brown eyes that I knew so well.

"What do you think? Do I make a pretty bride, Tay? Would you say I do to me?" 

"Fucking hell, Zac," I stammered. Standing before me was my brother, lover, and best friend dressed in my wife's wedding dress. I was shocked at how well it fit him aside from the fact that it was entirely too short for his long legs. 

"I take that as a yes?" he smirked, moving closer and puckering up his lips. "You may now kiss the bride."

I accepted his kiss when he leaned in and cupped his face, pushing my fingers through his shortened hair. It had taken some getting used to, but I didn't mind his hair being short now. A little more length would have been ideal, but he was happy with it so I didn't care.

"She is going to kill you if she sees you in that dress," I warned him. 

“She’s at mom’s handing out Halloween candy. She won’t be there. Besides, I thought maybe instead of going to the party we could just stay here… you know, the two of us?” he suggested, twirling in the dress a little bit. 

It was shocking how turned on I was by seeing him in that dress. Seeing Natalie in it really hadn’t done anything for me at all. Yes, she had looked extremely beautiful, but she would have in any dress she decided to wear. But something about Zac in it was driving me crazy.

Wrapping my arms around his waist, I pulled him closer to me and smirked. “I feel underdressed all of the sudden…” My costume consisted of tight jeans, a white shirt, and black leather jacket. My hair was slicked back and I was supposed to look like I could have been in The Outsiders. It was a typical easy way out for a guy from the city where the movie was filmed. But, I liked my tight jeans and I was able to make the entire outfit look good. 

“You are dressed just right,” he whispered. “And I am dressed every part the bride for you, love.”

An eyebrow quirked in response and I watched as he stepped backwards and pulled the dress up a little bit to reveal a garter. Whipping the dress up more gave me a flash of white underneath and I blinked. “Are you wearing… panties?”

Nodding his head, he spoke shyly, “Yes, I wanted this to be really special for you.”

“God, I love you so much,” I whispered. 

No other words were spoken between us as I once again closed the gap between our bodies. Our lips crushed together so hard that I felt his teeth cut into my lip, but I didn’t care at all. Not as soon as those plump lips parted so that I could slide my tongue inside. He didn’t waste any time at all with shoving my jacket down from my shoulders so that it fell on the floor at our feet. 

Slowly as we kissed, I backed him through the house to the stairs down to his apartment. Natalie had learned to accept Zac and I being together as long as she got to keep us both and we paid her plenty of attention. After all, she was the one that had pulled us into a threesome in the first place. Yes, we had been heading that way that night, but who knows where we would have landed when we sobered up. Her only rule was that I never brought him into our bed. Even when the three of us played around together, it was always in his bed. Never in ours. She had a dividing line. 

“Don’t fall,” I whispered against his mouth as we got to the stairs. I watched him pick the dress up so that it didn’t drag down the stairs and nearly sprint down them. His eagerness was always a turn on for me and I took the time to shut and lock the door behind me as I followed him.

My phone started to ring in my pocket and he shook his head at the end of the stairs. “Don’t. It’s just someone wondering why you haven’t shown up to the party. The answer is because you’re mine and no one needs to know that.”

I smirked as he grabbed me by the belt to lead me to the bedroom. Sitting on the bed, he deftly began to undo my belt and I couldn’t help but moan. The wedding dress was still getting to me. Especially when he fluffed it out and dropped to his knees in front of me once my pants were open.

“Fuck, Zac…” I groaned, my head falling back as he took me into his mouth. Neither one of us had ever sucked a guy off before we started sleeping together, but it really hadn’t taken him long to learn. I had been sucked off by other guys, but Zac was by far the best. I had suspicions that he was a lot better than I was, but when the tables were turned he never complained. 

My phone started to ring again and he only pulled me closer, taking my cock fully into his mouth until it hit the back of his throat and I cried out in pleasure. His mouth continued to slide over me eagerly, tongue flicking against the head every chance that he got as his skilled hands cupped my balls. 

Zac knew me well enough to know when he had me close and before I could come, he backed off and placed a kiss against my lower stomach before shoving me backwards. Crawling onto the bed, he looked at me coyly and bit his lips that were swollen from our kisses and wet from the blow job.

“I really wish it wasn’t too dangerous to take a picture of you right now,” I panted, licking my lips.

“Forget pictures. Come take your bride. I’ve been waiting for you.”

It was difficult not to hyperventilate as he slowly inched the dress up to expose the garter that he was wearing once more, a small bottle of lube tucked into it. He really had planned all of this out. I removed the bottle of lube and kept it handy before I began to remove the garter. The hair on his legs tickled my lips and nose as I leaned down to take it into my teeth, pulling it down and off, making him giggle. 

Another moan filled the room as I tossed the garter to the floor and pushed the dress up further to reveal the white, silk panties that he was wearing. The fabric barely contained his cock and was starting to soak through with precome. I was too worked up to think about truly savoring the moment and instead I yanked them down his legs, shoving them into my pocket for later.

“You are something else, Zachary.”

“Get naked. I want to see you,” he commanded and I obliged him. Throwing my clothes to the floor, I retrieved the bottle of lube and put a few drops of it on my fingers, slipping them between his legs and prepping him to accept me. The moans that he made just at the feeling of my finger entering him made my cock jump, eager to be inside of him. His eyes were on me, filled with lust, but sparkling with the love that I knew that he felt for me.

“Are you ready?” I asked, putting more lube on my fingers and smearing it onto my shaft. 

“I’m always ready for you. Please. I need you. I need you, Taylor.”

Tossing the bottle to the side, I crawled between his legs, keeping the dress bunched up around his waist and I spread him open. I held my breath before pushing into him slowly and not stopping until our bodies were joined as far as nature would allow.

A whimper left his lips that made my stomach clench with butterflies because it was one of the most beautiful sounds that I knew. We both needed this and there was a sense of urgency in the room. We no longer had anywhere to be, but when we needed it, we needed it. Sometimes it was about being fast, hard, and animalistic and that was exactly how I took him. Fingers clawing at my hair, lips crashing together. We moved with the precision only two musicians that had played together all their lives could accomplish. 

Zac made me feel in ways that no one else in my life had ever managed. Sex with Natalie was satisfying, but it was nothing like this. Beads of sweat were pooling on my skin and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His body accepted me, gripping me, holding onto me for dear life. No words were necessary. The sounds of our bodies together as well as the gasps, moans, and grunts said all that we needed to convey. 

“Zac, oh Zac, I love you,” I cried out, pushing my hips flush against his as I filled him. My hand grasped for his cock and I jerked it roughly, wanting to feel him come while I was still inside of him. It didn’t take long for him to follow after me, my name sounding like music on his lips as his seed coated my fingers and the dress. 

“Mmm Tay,” he murmured with a smile, pulling me down for another kiss as my phone rang yet again. We both growled at the insistence, but neither one of us made a point to move. When his phone also began to ring in tandem and neither one of them let up, we knew something was up.

He grasped for his phone from the night table and answered it angrily. “What?!”

I was kissing against his neck contently as he answered and I felt his body tense up beneath me immediately. When I looked up, he had already hung up and he was pale as a ghost.

“Zac, what’s wrong? Is everyone okay?”

“Natalie… she had the baby. It went so fast. They barely made it to the hospital. We… you missed it.”

I immediately felt nauseated as I scrambled to get up off the bed and get dressed. While I was fucking my wedding dress wearing brother my wife had delivered our daughter. I missed it.


	6. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: “You’re drunk and desperate,” he said sadly. “When you sober up you will change your mind.”

[”Cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud4HuAzHEUc)

Whenever Zac was mad at me, I seemed to fall apart wherever I was standing. The feeling lingered with me and I never felt like my true self. My mind was either consumed with ways to make it right or if I knew that I couldn’t easily, it was consumed by trying to drown out the pain. In this instance, I was working on drowning out the pain.

Lately, it seemed that any time things were on an upswing, they fell right back down to the ground again swiftly. It had taken Natalie a long time to forgive us for missing Adrianne’s birth and things between her and Zac were still tense. If they weren’t fucking, they were fighting. Sometimes the only thing that stopped an argument was an angry fuck that ended with them parting ways and slamming their respective bedroom doors.

I was constantly in the middle and they were both very, very good at using me as a chess piece in the little game they played. I loved them both. I was in love with them both, but sometimes it was too much for me. Tonight was one of those nights.

”I am not a babysitter that you can pay in blow jobs. I’m supposed to be part of this relationship, but you’ve made it clear that I’m not. I’m just your toy that you like to fuck when you want something tighter than your wife.”

His words before he had stormed out were still stuck in my mind even after my 8th… no 9th… maybe 10th beer of the night. I had lost count and all that mattered anyway was that I was still able to think.

To top it all off, after Zac had stormed out of the room, I had left the house just to get away. Walked out without a word. So, it shouldn’t have surprised me at all to get a text from my wife letting me know the fight wasn’t over.

I told him he has 24 hours to take his things and leave.

You don’t mean that, Nat. He’ll calm down.

I am done with him. I’m done with you wanting his bed more than OUR bed.

Nat, please. You know I love you.

It’s him or me. 24 hours.

Lately, Zac had been hinting at wanting more from me. I had given into his demands to sleep curled up against him after we both came. I was evenly splitting my time sleeping beside him and beside Natalie even though it was causing a lot of tension at the house. But, I hadn’t given in to his demands to change things up sexually. 

For our entire relationship I had been the “top” for lack of a better term and not for a lack of his trying. Soft whispers against my ear, telling me that he wanted to make me feel as good as I made him feel. His fingers exploring, testing. But tonight, I had turned him down yet again. Brushed him off and made up an excuse that Natalie was upset that he wouldn’t watch Adri so that we could have a date night so I needed to get back to her. That had been his breaking point.

As I ordered another beer, I tried to figure out where it had all gone wrong. When had he started wanting me more than he wanted her? This had all started because we both wanted the same woman. Now it was all crumbling because they both wanted me and I didn’t want to choose. Couldn’t choose.

Natalie, to her credit, had never threatened to out us to the rest of the family or any of our friends. I knew that us not knowing who Adri belonged to kept her silent no matter how much she had grown to hate the situation. 

Adri, our beautiful little Adri. She was getting old enough that she was starting to pick up on the tension in the house and when we raised our voices she would begin to cry. I hated when things got too heated and we ended up arguing in front of her. She was the spitting image of Natalie with her big brown eyes, little nose, and delicate features. Born with dark hair, it had fallen out only to be replaced with Hanson blonde. Try as I might, I could not see either Zac or me in her other than the hair. It made it easier that way. Easier to call her ours.

“Taylor fucking Hanson!”

I turned when I heard someone shout my name and my vision was blurry as I tried to make out who it was. A smile spread across my face when I recognized some childhood friends that I hadn’t seen in years - Luke, Nate, and Carter.

“Well, holy shit, look what the cat drug in!” I shouted back, stumbling a bit off my bar stool to greet them. “God, it has been what… seven fucking years?”

Luke was first to me and wrapped his arms around my body tightly and my senses were instantly flooded with the musky scent of his cologne and flashes of Zac caused me to go slightly weak in his arms. He was wearing Zac’s brand of cologne. 

He laughed as he held me up, rubbing my back. “Whoa there, it’s good to see you too but shouldn’t you buy me a drink first, Tay?”

I laughed and shrugged sheepishly as I regained my own balance. “Sorry, fighting with the wife. Have had a few. Or more than a few. Or too many. But really, not enough.”

All three of them laughed at my rambling and we moved to sit at a table together so that we could catch up. I told them about the wedding, showed them photos of Adrianne, and sadly talked about how we were at a stalemate with making our next record. Nate and Carter were both in serious relationships and we exchanged stories back and forth as we kept drinking. As they told me wild stories about college, I was finally able to forget about Zac and my predicament for the time being.

“Hey, dudes just got texted an address for a bonfire. Free booze. Let’s go. Tay, you coming?” Carter asked as he stood up and shoved his phone in his pocket. 

“Yeah, if you three are going, I’m in. I’m going to need a ride though because no one should let me drive anywhere tonight,” I joked. 

After our tab was paid, I followed them out to their car and fell into the back seat. “Hey, give me the address of where we are going so I can text Ike and have him pick me up later.” 

I knew my limits and that free alcohol was likely going to put me to near blacking out before the night was over. It was my goal to forget, but not to get so drunk that I didn’t make it home. Once I had the address of where we were going, I sent it to Ike with a message to be there in an hour and a half to collect me.

I hadn’t charged my phone before I left and since it was nearly dead, I simply shut it off and shoved it into my pocket without another thought. At least I wasn’t going to have to face more text messages from Natalie.

“So, Luke, you going to tell Tay about how all of your girlfriends and boyfriends in college look just like him?” Carter teased, causing Luke to reach up and punch him in the back of the head hard, the car jerking from the movement. 

“HEY, I’M DRIVING!”

“Then don’t be a fucker!” Luke hissed.

Even in the darkness, I could see that his skin had turned red and I imagined that mine had also. I stared at him in the intermittent light of passing streetlights and tried to figure out if what Carter had said was true. When he wouldn’t even glance at me, I reached out to grab his hand and squeezed it. 

“Hey,” I leaned in, whispering against his ear. “Don’t let him get to you.” I felt a shiver travel up his spine as he leaned into me a bit more and once again, I smelled that familiar cologne, my cock hardening of its own volition. 

Nate joined in then with a laugh. “Too bad you’re married or you might be able to put him out of his misery. He’s been a lovesick puppy dog for you ever since you got dared to kiss him at Heather’s party when we were sixteen.”

“Stop, it’s not funny you guys,” I warned. “I clearly remember the two of you having to kiss at that same party so maybe you are just projecting your desire for each other onto him.”

I heard something akin to a growl come from one of them as the radio got turned up in response. I squeezed Luke’s hand again and grinned at him in the dim light of the backseat. 

“Thank you,” he breathed against my ear over the sound of the music, his nose brushing against my skin as he did. 

“You smell really good,” I murmured, drawn to him because of that familiarity. He was the same build as Zac. That same smell. Strong jawline. Plump lips. And in my drunken haze, he could almost pass for him in the looks department. 

His lips touched my neck and I felt him breathe in against me. “So do you…?” His mouth touched my ear then as I felt him shift closer. “Are you faithful to your wife?”

My eyes fluttered shut because I realized then that I’d pulled his hand into my lap. He could feel my erection and know the effect he’d already had on me. I simply shook my head. I didn’t need to say the words. The answer was no, I wasn’t faithful to her. If I was, I would have ended things with Zac when I got married, but I didn’t. I hadn’t. 

The car slowed to a stop in a field that had been converted into a parking lot for the party. When I opened my eyes, I could see a fire blazing in the distance and everything looked familiar, but I was in too much of a haze to place it. 

Especially not when Luke’s hand had started to move with calculated precision over my erection. My head fell back against the seat with a moan as he added the sensation of his mouth against my neck. It felt so good and my cock was so hard that I immediately gave in to him. It was something without strings. Something to remind me what it was luck to fuck just for the sake of fucking. 

I barely registered Nate and Carter leaving the car as my mouth found Luke’s and our tongues tangled roughly in desperation as I clawed at his shirt to bring him closer. His fingers opened my jeans and I lifted my hips to help him push the fabric down my hips. A loud moan echoed in the now silent car as he explored my erection and slid his hand over my heated shaft. 

The sudden white-hot pleasure caused me to bite his lower lip and grabbed for his hair to push his head down to my lap. 

“Suck me,” I demanded.

His mouth surrounded me without protest and with the smell of his cologne and his expert lips around me, I began to imagine it was Zac going down on me and not my childhood friend. I tried not to imagine I was with the man I loved and not making yet another mistake on a road that had been full of them.

“Yes, fuck yes. Just like that… make me come.”

Without warning, the door to the car opened and I heard Luke yelp as his teeth scraped against my sensitive cock, making me cry out in turn. In a flash, he was pulled from the back seat and in a flurry of commotion, I heard the sound of a fist connecting with flesh. 

“Stop, please! Stop!” Luke screamed.

I didn’t stop to tuck myself into my jeans as I crawled and tumbled out of the car to stop whatever was happening. When my eyes fell on the source of the sudden interruption I gasped.

“Zac, what are you doing?! Stop!” I shouted.

Zac either didn’t hear me or he wasn’t in the mood to listen and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me as I heard his fist connect with Luke’s face again. The blood was visible even in the dim light of the night and it was obvious he’d already broken his nose with the intent of doing even more damage.

With a lurch, I grabbed Zac to pull him off Luke, catching an elbow in the process before tumbling to the ground. The taste of blood immediately filled my mouth and my cry of pain at least seemed to snap Zac out of his violent tirade.

Luke didn’t hesitate to push Zac off of him before he took off running in the direction of the house. I rolled to spit blood onto the ground with a groan and felt the grass beneath me brush against my still exposed cock, reminding me of how I’d ended up there in the first place. 

Instead of leaning down to help me, Zac merely stared with obvious disgust in his eyes and words when he finally spoke. 

“You fucking disgust me. You’re nothing but a disappointment and a goddamn whore, Taylor. I can’t believe I fell in love with you.”

His words were like a knife to the chest and as he turned to walk away, it was more than I could take. 

“Zac! No. Please, wait!”

“Stay away from me, Taylor,” he growled and continued walking. 

Never one to listen, I managed to get to my feet and go after him, grabbing hold of his arm and hoping that he didn’t hit me again. “Zac! Please. It meant nothing. I don’t want him. I want you. I love YOU. I’m in love with you. Please don’t leave me here.”

He turned and suddenly I found myself pressed against a random pick-up truck, the cold metal causing me to gasp as he pinned me there. “You want me? You fucking want me? You have a really, fucked up way of showing that, Taylor.”

“Baby, please,” I begged, and reached for his face but he grabbed my wrists before I could.

“If you wanted me you wouldn’t have let her give me 24 hours to leave. You would be at home fighting for me. But no, you’re not. Instead, you’re bold enough to come to Johnny’s party with my replacement.”

Johnny’s. Fuck. Not again. “It’s not what it looks like. He smelled like you and I’m drunk and I thought it was you.”

“We always come back to this place, Tay. I’m not a fucking toy that you can just throw away and replace with someone that you think smells like me. But it doesn’t matter to you, does it? It doesn’t matter where you are getting it as long as someone wants you,” he growled again and I flinched. “It was like that when we were in LA. Guy, girl, whatever… just suck my dick and I’ll be on my way.” 

“Zac, please… it’s not like that anymore.”

“I’ve been in love with you for YEARS, Taylor. YEARS. Before you even knew it. For years I followed you around like a damn puppy dog, learning from you, wanting to be near you. I watched you disappear with girl after girl on tour. Come back smelling like perfume and fall into bed next to me. I didn’t know what it was until the first time you kissed me. Until Natalie. When I saw the way that you looked at her and I knew that I wanted it to be me.” 

He paused and pushed me against the truck more and I shrunk down as I listened to him, tears rolling down my cheeks, not knowing what to do. “But… you love her.”

“I thought I loved her, but I never did. It started out as wanting her. Wanting someone that I could focus on that wasn’t you and then it turned out that I wanted to BE her. I wanted to fuck her and figure out what she had that I didn’t beside the obvious. Paid attention to the way she used her mouth on me. The movements of her body. Anything, anything I could do to figure it out and make you want me. And you did. But it’s not enough. You’re always going to pick her. So… it’s over. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be… whatever I am. Your babysitter. Your piece on the side. I can’t be anything.”

Desperately, I gripped for him and tried to pull him closer to me. “I know you don’t believe me, but I love you. I love you more than I love her. I’ll give you everything that you want. I will do whatever you want. You can’t end it. You’re the only thing that keeps me from falling apart. Look what happens when you’re mad at me. When things aren’t right. Please, you know that I need you.”

“You’re drunk and desperate,” he said sadly. “When you sober up you will change your mind.”

“No! I won’t. I know that I won’t because I know what I feel!” I screamed at him. Reaching down, I grabbed at his jeans and started to undo them and he pushed me away half-heartedly. Natalie had always been the better one at making things better with sex, but I was willing to try. My determination gave me the strength and I dropped to my knees in front of him, pinning him to the truck and freeing his cock. I didn’t care that anyone could walk up. All I cared about was making things right.

“Taylor, don’t. Tay, stop it,” he whimpered out and then moaned as I took him into my mouth. 

He was soft, but I didn’t give up and soon he had grown to full length in my mouth. Determined, I kept bobbing my head on him, gagging on his length a few times, but not giving up. I wanted to make him come. I needed to taste him. To know everything was going to be okay. 

“I said STOP,” he suddenly shouted and pushed my head away before his fist connected with my jaw and I felt a blinding pain that made me see stars. 

Before I could fully react, he had me on my feet and in a flash, the tailgate of the truck was pulled down so that he could bend me over it. The cold metal split open my cheek and I felt the warmth of blood cascading down my skin as he pulled my jeans down to my knees.

“Zac,” I gasped, suddenly frightened. “No, not like this.”

“You don’t get to tell me no. Not again.”

His words were cold and that fear turned into bile in my throat as he roughly yanked my jeans down my hips and I heard him spitting into his hand. The intrusion of his fingers pressing inside of me made me squeeze my eyes shut tightly. I begged him to stop again as he continued to violate me with his fingers, each thrust causing more and more pain until my voice was hoarse and my body was tense with fear.

I screamed into the cold, rusted metal of the truck when I felt his cock press against my opening, I’d never let anyone inside of me before and in an instant, he could take that away from me. I wanted him. I really did, but not like this. 

Sobs shook my body as I waited for the searing pain I knew would come when he entered me without any lubrication. Unmoving, I closed my eyes and willed it to be over quickly, but the pain never came. Instead, I felt him soften against me and then slowly back up. The sound of his zipper going back up was palpable.

As he pulled away from me, I didn’t move. I just laid there and cried even more at the thought that he had been close to raping me in anger. The fact that he hadn’t didn’t ease my pain at all. Not when the taste of blood was still on my tongue and I could feel where he’d roughly entered me with his fingers without permission.

“Taylor?” he whispered softly.

“Go away, Zac, go away!”

There was a long silence and I thought for a moment that I heard a sob escape him just before he turned and I heard his footsteps running away from me.

\------

I’m sorry. I will always love you. Please forgive me someday.

The note was waiting for me when I got home. Sitting on his pillow in his room that looked like it had been ransacked by thieves. His truck was gone from the garage. His video games packed up and his closet emptied. 

In spite of what he had done to me, his room had still been the first place I had gone when Isaac brought me back to the house. Upon seeing that he was gone, an emptiness opened up inside of me. I didn’t care about the pain and how bad my body hurt. I didn’t care about what he had done. He had loved me so unconditionally and I’d continually hurt him. I deserved it. I would take the pain all over again if it meant not feeling the emptiness.

I jumped when I felt a hand on my back and turned, finding Natalie standing there and looking at me with pity. There was a slight wince in her features when she saw the bruises and dried blood on my face, but there was also a smugness in her gaze. She knew she had won and I vowed right then to never tell her exactly what had happened. 

“Come on, you need sleep. Come upstairs and shower. Then you can come to bed where you belong,” she said softly. Blindly, I followed her and did what she said because I didn’t have the will to fight anymore. Not when I was battered, bruised, bloodied and the best part of me was gone with a simple note left in his place.


End file.
